That, my friend, is the whole point of the piece. What hell was wrong with me?
Twenty years later and thousand miles away, it’s so easy to condemn.
The truth is, the job darkened me. It stained my soul. It turned me into someone I would not recognize if I had not lived through it and eventually come out the other side.
I don’t condone it. I don’t approve of it. But I also don’t apologize for it.
In my time as a 911 paramedic, I saved >1,000 people’s lives. Easily. I helped a lot of people. But it came at a cost. The pricetag was my humanity.
Honestly, I think the real culprit was the overtime. Back when i wrote this, I was working 50-60 hours a week on the ambulance, then going to school part-time. The constant work. The 12- and 16-hour overnight shifts. The murders. The child abuse. The grieving mothers. The junkie moms. All the horrible shit, all the time. It burned me out. It turned me into someone I never thought I could become.
Hey, thank you for taking the time to go into more detail there, I found it very iluminating. And I think you're right that being a first responder, and meeting people on what is probably the worst day of their lives day after day will leave a mark on you. The stress and adrenaline and what it does to the human psyche isn't something we as a society talk about as much as we should.
In the interest of completeness, I added an edit to the end of my original comment urging people to read your followup, because I personally found it helpful.
Yes, you are correct. I'd bet a large part of why police abuse happens is downstream of the real emotional traumas (I do not use that word lightly) that cops experience. Overtime (which pays 1.5x hourly) is how you make real money in this field, but the psychic costs are extremely negative.
> He was just another fucking drunk with a story. I hate fucking drunks. Kick ‘em all you want, FDNY, it’s fine with me.
I can understand not liking drunk people, but wishing physical violence on them? By first responders, of all people?
What the hell is wrong with you?
[EDIT: Please read OP's reply before passing judgement like I did. It contains some helpful context and to be honest, I learned something from it. ]
> What the hell is wrong with you?
That, my friend, is the whole point of the piece. What hell was wrong with me?
Twenty years later and thousand miles away, it’s so easy to condemn.
The truth is, the job darkened me. It stained my soul. It turned me into someone I would not recognize if I had not lived through it and eventually come out the other side.
I don’t condone it. I don’t approve of it. But I also don’t apologize for it.
In my time as a 911 paramedic, I saved >1,000 people’s lives. Easily. I helped a lot of people. But it came at a cost. The pricetag was my humanity.
Honestly, I think the real culprit was the overtime. Back when i wrote this, I was working 50-60 hours a week on the ambulance, then going to school part-time. The constant work. The 12- and 16-hour overnight shifts. The murders. The child abuse. The grieving mothers. The junkie moms. All the horrible shit, all the time. It burned me out. It turned me into someone I never thought I could become.
Hey, thank you for taking the time to go into more detail there, I found it very iluminating. And I think you're right that being a first responder, and meeting people on what is probably the worst day of their lives day after day will leave a mark on you. The stress and adrenaline and what it does to the human psyche isn't something we as a society talk about as much as we should.
In the interest of completeness, I added an edit to the end of my original comment urging people to read your followup, because I personally found it helpful.
Appreciate the feedback.
Yes, you are correct. I'd bet a large part of why police abuse happens is downstream of the real emotional traumas (I do not use that word lightly) that cops experience. Overtime (which pays 1.5x hourly) is how you make real money in this field, but the psychic costs are extremely negative.
I'll add a note to my piece about this.